Thursday, December 2, 2010

LPGA Golf Allows Transgender Players: News in Song

C, G, D/F#, Em

How to make a ladies game more interesting
Just add some men who've lost something
Pretend you're all the same

Says that it's ok
If you weren't born that way
After all, it's just a game

You used to pee standing up
But now you wear all our makeup
Now you're one of us
With an adam's apple
And a much much longer drive

don't these gals know how bad the economy is
every open job you get a hundred applications in

do you hear?
That's the sound of the Nike tour
Calling their doctors
And calling Lorraina

I think Tiger's found his loophole
'cause his 15th club keeps getting into trouble
cut it off
both problems solved
and you'll beat everyone again
just not men

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Gate Raped by the TSA: News in Song

Capo 5
Dm, C, G

that girl in front of you
she could be packing
not for a vaca
but an assassin
not going to Cleveland
with hello kitty
she's a secret weapon in al queda's secret army

Don't need a girlfriend
I need a patdown
And naked pictures of me
To send around town
It's for my good, yeah
Well, oh my goodness
Glad we're so much safer now you're staring at my skivs

I was gate-raped
By the tsa
I wanna citizens arrest
For your PDA

You getting kind of close
For a first date
Yeah I wanna be safe
Don't see how this helping it
Bombs in my fake limbs?
Plastic explosives?
Who do I look like?
Osama Olsen

I don't wanna die
I just want a fast ride
Rather take all my chances
Than give up all my rights

Monday, November 15, 2010

Republicans Take Back the House: News in Song

Am, Em, G

Who took the house?
The republicans
Who took the house?
The republicans
Who took the house?
The republicans
Just try getting things done with us now

I know what you’re thinking
You’re the party of no
But someone’s gotta say it
‘cause we’re running out of dough

60 in the house
6 in the senate
we want change
in 2 years, we’ll tell you if we meant it

Am, Em, G, D/F#

it’s a landslide
to the right side
elephant pride
but watch your backside

‘cause you’ve got 2 years to fix all of my problems
or else you’re out

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Christine O'Donnell First Amendment Forgetfulness: News in Song

Capo 2
C, G, D/F#

I'm like you
I've never read the constitution
I'm like you
I'm confused by evolution

I'm like you
Taxes are bad
But sometimes I like the things they go to

I'm like you
A Christian well I'm kind of Christian
I'm like you
War is bad but bomb the villains

I'm like you
I watch fox news
That's all the news I choose to believe in

I'm like you
I try to cheat on all my taxes
I'm like you
I look real good in business slacks

And I'm like you
I think big government is bad
Unless it helps my home state in a big sort of way

So I'll go to Washington
And it'll be just like if you were there
Won't know a thing that's going on
Won't read a single bill or care

But I'll yell
Lower taxes
And I'll cry
more freedom
and repeat one-liners
but not know what they mean

I'm like you
I'm just like you
And neither one of us have got a clue

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chile Miner Rescue: News in Song

Capo 1

G, Em, C, G
Scientists and minds from dozens of countries
All came together
Was a beautiful picture
It was a beautiful picture

Mind-share, drill scare
Love affair, soot hair
Dark lair, lord’s prayer
all scared, we got there
yes, we got there

half a mile underground
in Copiapo Chile
estamos bien en el refugio,
los 33’o
how can it be, oh

G, Em, D
33 miners in a hole
Chile hello
C’mon let’s go
70 and 69
days trapped in a mine
yes we’re doing fine

about to come out
but the question remains
who do I hug first
my wife or my lover
or should I introduce them to each other?

C, G, Em, D/F#
See the sunshine
Kiss your wife then
Kiss the sky and
Maybe your girlfriend

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Segway CEO Jimi Heselden Dies on Segway: News in Song

Em, C, G, D/F#

Speaking of segways
Here’s a segue
Into a story
About a segway king
That rode it off into the deep sunset

Off a cliff
Into a river
Life a joke
And death the giver
And on two wheels
Jimi Heselden drove away

It’s not funny
But it’s ironic in a really funny way
Looking back, it will be funny
In a tragic Shakespeare play

Plus, it gets better, ‘cause he’s not only
the CEO of segways but of a company
that makes protective barriers
which did not protect him from driving his segway

Monday, September 20, 2010

Terry Jones Quran Burning: News in Song

Am, C, G, Am

9 years later after 9-11
I got a message I heard from heaven
Said you know what you should do
Burn me some Qurans

I said lord, God help me if I got ‘em
He said, I know fool, go out and buy some
But then we got in a debate
Whether buying them actually financially helps them more than the burning would hurt them

After that,
Nothing would stand in our way
Those fools are going to pay
Just like KISS and Poison stopped making music
After I burned all their CDs

then, Obama tried to get in my way
But I said no, before I said yea
But it wasn’t because of that
it was because God changed his mind

Monday, May 3, 2010

Times Square Bomb Scare - News in Song

April 15th - May 3rd, 2010

Capo 2
C, G, D/F#, Em

Volcano in Iceland can’t stop vomiting
We’re gonna cap and trade you
Before you block our planes again

School in Pennsylvania
Put webcams in their student’s laptops
Took pictures while they slept

aliens traveled over the Midwest, turns out it’s a meteor
put your crazy crap to rest

We have a new hundred dollar bill
Benjamin Franklin’s never looked hotter

Lady gaga has infiltrated the U.S. Army
That’s why we don’t ask, ‘cause we’re afraid of what they’ll say
And how they’ll choreograph it

Pakistan Taliban
Times Square Bomb Scare
Thank god NY’s Finest Found it
‘fore it went off

And we can’t have an honest discussion
About Arizona’s immigration bill
Without tremendously poor and ignorant constitutional scholarship from Shakira

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Kickboxing Orangutans - News in Song

April 3rd - April 14th, 2010

C, G, D/F#, Em

oh my lord
what is that?
It’s the next susan boyle
Voice don’t match the body
But he’s blowing up Mariah

Opening day, obama threw out a first pitch to boos
Was it healthcare, the white sox hat or ‘cause he
throws like a girl wearing high stiletto shoes

John paul stevens stepping down
Who is going replace him?
I betcha it’s a girl
Who likes her government big and nasty

And Steven Speilberg’s got nothing on this masters day story
Tiger Alone can’t touch Phil + his family

And texas stadium imploded
Just like insert tony romo joke here

And there’s no better entertainment
Than kickboxing orangutans
So I’ll leave you with that 

Friday, April 2, 2010

Congressman Johnson Afraid Guam Will Tip Over - News in Song

March 19th - April 2nd, 2010
Three crooks in Montreal went on a shopping spree
used a prison account number to rob a store
yeah, the criminals… will end up in
the same jail they robbed

Hank Johnson got nervous that adding military bases to Guam
Would be a bad idea
I agree, but for constitutional reasons
He’s afraid the island will tip over. Seriously.

And the GAO gave EnergyStar
tax credits for products that don’t even exist
Like gas power alarm clocks
Oh I wish that the government would be in charge of more

The healthcare bill got passed
Biden said it was a big effin’ deal
now parents won’t worry ‘bout their kids getting sick
but the rest of us will worry  ‘bout paying for it

and CERN created thousands of mini big bangs
by crashing sub-atomic particles together
but no one blacked out after all
I think flashforward lied to me

The Vatican got mad
That the new york times got mad
About the vatican’s cover-up job
They say they’re still men of God

and happy birthday
to nancy Pelosi
she turned 70
her face turned 6

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Unemployed Conan on Twitter - News in Song

March 7th - March 18th, 2010

A poker tournament in Germany
Got robbed on live tv

And Kathryn bigelow beat her former jigelow
for oscar gold
As hurt locker beat out avatar

Unemployed Conan went on Twitter
Got a half-million followers overnight
Friended one person completely at random
And changed Sarah Killen’s 19-year old life

Sean Penn said that American journalists should go to jail
For calling Hugo Chavez a dictator
There’s so much wrong with that statement
That I refuse to get into it

And don’t tell a woman to shut up in the movie theater
‘cause you might just stabbed in the neck by her boyfriend with a meat thermometer

And lawmaker Felix Ortiz
Wants to ban salt in restaurants in new york
God save us all

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Chat Roulette - News in Song

February 26th - March 6th, 2010

Capo 2

C, G, D/F#
Em (bridge)

3-year old Cody cried over Justin Bieber
so she went on Kimmel and finally got to meet him
which proves if you cry real hard, you’ll get what you want
As long as you’re adorable

cities across the country started making a lot of money
on automatic red-light cameras
so they started rolling back the yellow light times
all in the name of safety??

in a mall in dubai, an aquarium cracked
the sharks got free, swam straight to the gap

in seaworld shamu 2 pulled a Siegfried and roy
and made her trainer disappear
what are the fish trying to tell us, I mean mammals

And went viral
Exposing the world to a bunch of exposers

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Dick Cheney Survives His 5th Heart Attack - News in Song

February 15th - Feburary 25th, 2010

Capo 6
Fmaj7, C

a man flew a plane into a building
the IRS in Austin, texas
wrote a letter against the system
he proved his point
The point’s he’s crazy

tiger said I’m sorry tiger said I’m Buddhist
if he’d allowed some questions
I’m sure that’s all we wanted to know

ron paul won the republican straw poll
for who you’d vote as president today
if only he would say
bombs are ok
he’d be there to stay

harry reid said that men are abusive
when they stay at home with nothing to do
so we’ve got to pay billions
to give ‘em fake jobs so they won’t beat their wives
He is actually the democractic majority leader.
Of our congress, oh God help us

And dick cheney survived his 1, 2, 3, 4, 5th heart attack.
Either God’s trying real hard to kill him, or God’s who he is.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

We Are the World - News in Song

Feburary 10th - February 14th, 2010

G, D/F#, Em, C

3 out of 4 pillars ended on fire
vancouver’s attempt at a dazzling array
the Beijing opening was hard to follow
as they say in vancouver, it’s good enough, aye?

A terrible day for the country of Georgia
Whose Olympic hopes died while riding the luge
I guess when going 150 miles an hour on ice
The odds of bad things happening are huge

Alec Baldwin got rushed to the hospital
Because his daughter said he wanted to die
Slam dunk contest was sloppy and lazy
I’ve seen better dunks by white boys at the Y

And we are the world sang songs for Haiti
And by “we” I mean the top 1% of Hollywood billionaire musicians

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Saints Win the SuperBowl - News in Song

February 1st - February 9th, 2010

F#m, A

Super bowl went on in Miami
A record hundred six and a half million tuned in.
The most watched commercials ever
And those who paid attention to the game, you saw the saints go marching in.

It came out that Katie Couric
gets paid a whole lot more than her staff.
But you’d get that much too
if you had calfs like that

DC gets covered in Christmas
30 plus inches of snow
it’s pure white entrapment
it’s hell freezing over

Toyota falls from the top to the bottom
After brakes went out on their hybrid star Prius
You drive one, you might end up dead
but now’s your best chance to get a car of eco-bliss

USC recruited a 13-year old quarterback.
Could it be their coaches are high on powder they call crack
Hoping his domination of 95-pound kids
will translate to the bigs

and Mel Gibson called a reporter an a-hole
For asking the question we all want to know
Do you think people still hate you for hating some people?

Monday, February 1, 2010

State of the State - News in Song

January 24th - January 31st, 2010

Em, G, D/F#

obama gave the state of the state
and the truth is it ain’t all that great
so the optimistic rhetoric
isn’t quite what I’d expect

but most importantly, what’s the deal with miss pelosi’s
lips, is she eating them?

Brett favre threw a questionable throw
That sent the saints off to the superbowl
The fantasy giants of manning and brees
Will fight ‘til the other one’s down on his knees

Roger federer went to australia
sent andy murray crying like a baby kanga
As roger broke the record books further
16 majors and counting and counting

Apple released the ipad
What does it do? What is it for?
It’s an e-book reader for people who don’t read
It’s like a laptop but only without the lap you see
But who really cares, it’s shiny and cool.
And more than enough to make the fan babies drool.

leno went on oprah had a heart to heart
spoke his mind and made me forced to like him
But I need someone to hate
‘cause I need an enemy
or I’d have to admit that Americans don’t find brilliance that funny

Saturday, January 23, 2010

In Scott We Trust - News in Song

January 15th - January 23rd, 2010

Scott brown defeated a woman who sends people to jail over hearsay.
Big whooping deal.
its not like Lieberman counted anyway
when they still had 60
they werent doing anything

I heard Ricky gervais was freakin hysterical
I wish I could have understood a word that he said
and Meryl streep won a golden globe
For playing a woman that kind of looks like shes dead

Haiti showed us what true charity really means.
Not because that I have to.
But, because I believe in the need.

Supreme court said
We were free to speak
Campaign finance reform
now an antique

And John Edwards once again
reminded us hes the most evil man in the world.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Team Coco: News in Song

January 8th - January 14th, 2010.

Capo 4
Em, G, C, D/F#

I’ve gone loco for team coco
But jay leno
Is getting in the way yo
Wants back the tonight show
But that ain’t how it works bro
It’s wait and see what the blowholes
Decide the bottom line pros

a bachelorette was kicked off after hooking up with a staffer
why do you punish love?
Why do you punish love?
Everyone mad
Everyone sad
I wonder when they’ll realize that guy’s been hooking up with 14 other girls at the same time

Idol came back
For one more year
Before mr. simon cowell disappears
Onto the next one
Little worse than the first one
American x factor
That sounds vaguely familiar

Cameron made a new film
‘about blue beastiality
Climbing up the record books
Second to his underwater reality
Can avatar
Be the one to sink titanic
Whether or not
He’s king of the world

harry reid called obama a negro
blagoveich thinks he’s blacker than him too
what a week for the commander in chief
plus, sarah palin got a press job with fox news

The earth it shook in Haiti
Maybe 50,000 precious lives lost
if you can lend a hand
Please donate to the red cross

Thursday, January 7, 2010


January 1st - January 7th, 2010.

Em, C, G, D

Let it snow, let it snow
God, it’s cold.
33 inches in just mere hours in Burlington, VT

Rush Limbaugh died
according to Wikipedia
but that was soon retracted
and a bit exaggerated

the Chinese tried to destroy a tower
but left it leaning
a Pisa admirer

Taylor and Taylor are over for now
say it ain’t so
Lord, say it ain’t so

we’re going to put body scanners in every airport
because showing a muslim’s naked body
is going to PREVENT terrorism?

Now the Yemenese are our enemies.
Well not all you see
but a few crazies

and two identical twins were born a decade apart
what a crazy start
to this year in song