LPGA Golf Allows Transgender Players: News in Song

C, G, D/F#, Em

How to make a ladies game more interesting
Just add some men who've lost something
Pretend you're all the same

The LPGA
Says that it's ok
If you weren't born that way
After all, it's just a game

You used to pee standing up
But now you wear all our makeup
Now you're one of us
With an adam's apple
And a much much longer drive

don't these gals know how bad the economy is
every open job you get a hundred applications in

do you hear?
That's the sound of the Nike tour
Calling their doctors
And calling Lorraina

I think Tiger's found his loophole
'cause his 15th club keeps getting into trouble
cut it off
both problems solved
and you'll beat everyone again
just not men

Gate Raped by the TSA: News in Song

Capo 5
Dm, C, G

that girl in front of you
she could be packing
not for a vaca
but an assassin
not going to Cleveland
with hello kitty
she's a secret weapon in al queda's secret army

Don't need a girlfriend
I need a patdown
And naked pictures of me
To send around town
It's for my good, yeah
Well, oh my goodness
Glad we're so much safer now you're staring at my skivs

I was gate-raped
By the tsa
I wanna citizens arrest
For your PDA

You getting kind of close
For a first date
Yeah I wanna be safe
Don't see how this helping it
Bombs in my fake limbs?
Plastic explosives?
Who do I look like?
Osama Olsen

I don't wanna die
I just want a fast ride
Rather take all my chances
Than give up all my rights

Republicans Take Back the House: News in Song

Am, Em, G

Who took the house?

The republicans

Who took the house?

The republicans

Who took the house?

The republicans

Just try getting things done with us now

I know what you’re thinking

You’re the party of no

But someone’s gotta say it

‘cause we’re running out of dough

60 in the house

6 in the senate

we want change

in 2 years, we’ll tell you if we meant it

Am, Em, G, D/F#

it’s a landslide

to the right side

elephant pride

but watch your backside

‘cause you’ve got 2 years to fix all of my problems

or else you’re out

Christine O'Donnell First Amendment Forgetfulness: News in Song

Capo 2
C, G, D/F#

I'm like you
I've never read the constitution
I'm like you
I'm confused by evolution

I'm like you
Taxes are bad
But sometimes I like the things they go to

I'm like you
A Christian well I'm kind of Christian
I'm like you
War is bad but bomb the villains

I'm like you
I watch fox news
That's all the news I choose to believe in

I'm like you
I try to cheat on all my taxes
I'm like you
I look real good in business slacks

And I'm like you
I think big government is bad
Unless it helps my home state in a big sort of way

So I'll go to Washington
And it'll be just like if you were there
Won't know a thing that's going on
Won't read a single bill or care

But I'll yell
Lower taxes
And I'll cry
more freedom
and repeat one-liners
but not know what they mean

I'm like you
I'm just like you
And neither one of us have got a clue

Chile Miner Rescue: News in Song

Capo 1

G, Em, C, G

Scientists and minds from dozens of countries

All came together

Was a beautiful picture

It was a beautiful picture

Mind-share, drill scare

Love affair, soot hair

Dark lair, lord’s prayer

all scared, we got there

yes, we got there

half a mile underground

in Copiapo Chile

estamos bien en el refugio,

los 33’o

how can it be, oh

G, Em, D

33 miners in a hole

Chile hello

C’mon let’s go

70 and 69

days trapped in a mine

yes we’re doing fine

hello

about to come out

but the question remains

who do I hug first

my wife or my lover

or should I introduce them to each other?

C, G, Em, D/F#

See the sunshine

Kiss your wife then

Kiss the sky and

Maybe your girlfriend

Segway CEO Jimi Heselden Dies on Segway: News in Song

Em, C, G, D/F#

Speaking of segways

Here’s a segue

Into a story

About a segway king

That rode it off into the deep sunset

Off a cliff

Into a river

Life a joke

And death the giver

And on two wheels

Jimi Heselden drove away

It’s not funny

But it’s ironic in a really funny way

Looking back, it will be funny

In a tragic Shakespeare play

Plus, it gets better, ‘cause he’s not only

the CEO of segways but of a company

that makes protective barriers

which did not protect him from driving his segway

Terry Jones Quran Burning: News in Song

Am, C, G, Am

9 years later after 9-11

I got a message I heard from heaven

Said you know what you should do

Burn me some Qurans

I said lord, God help me if I got ‘em

He said, I know fool, go out and buy some

But then we got in a debate

Whether buying them actually financially helps them more than the burning would hurt them

After that,

Nothing would stand in our way

Those fools are going to pay

Just like KISS and Poison stopped making music

After I burned all their CDs

…wait

then, Obama tried to get in my way

But I said no, before I said yea

But it wasn’t because of that

it was because God changed his mind

Times Square Bomb Scare - News in Song

April 15th - May 3rd, 2010

Capo 2

C, G, D/F#, Em

Volcano in Iceland can’t stop vomiting

We’re gonna cap and trade you

Before you block our planes again

School in Pennsylvania

Put webcams in their student’s laptops

Took pictures while they slept

seriously

aliens traveled over the Midwest, turns out it’s a meteor

put your crazy crap to rest

We have a new hundred dollar bill

Benjamin Franklin’s never looked hotter

Lady gaga has infiltrated the U.S. Army

That’s why we don’t ask, ‘cause we’re afraid of what they’ll say

And how they’ll choreograph it

Pakistan Taliban

Times Square Bomb Scare

Thank god NY’s Finest Found it

‘fore it went off

And we can’t have an honest discussion

About Arizona’s immigration bill

Without tremendously poor and ignorant constitutional scholarship from Shakira

Kickboxing Orangutans - News in Song

April 3rd - April 14th, 2010

C, G, D/F#, Em

oh my lord

what is that?

It’s the next susan boyle

Voice don’t match the body

But he’s blowing up Mariah

Opening day, obama threw out a first pitch to boos

Was it healthcare, the white sox hat or ‘cause he

throws like a girl wearing high stiletto shoes

John paul stevens stepping down

Who is going replace him?

I betcha it’s a girl

Who likes her government big and nasty

And Steven Speilberg’s got nothing on this masters day story

Tiger Alone can’t touch Phil + his family

And texas stadium imploded

Just like insert tony romo joke here

And there’s no better entertainment

Than kickboxing orangutans

So I’ll leave you with that 

Congressman Johnson Afraid Guam Will Tip Over - News in Song

March 19th - April 2nd, 2010

Three crooks in Montreal went on a shopping spree

used a prison account number to rob a store

yeah, the criminals… will end up in

the same jail they robbed

Hank Johnson got nervous that adding military bases to Guam

Would be a bad idea

I agree, but for constitutional reasons

He’s afraid the island will tip over. Seriously.

And the GAO gave EnergyStar

tax credits for products that don’t even exist

Like gas power alarm clocks

Oh I wish that the government would be in charge of more

The healthcare bill got passed

Biden said it was a big effin’ deal

now parents won’t worry ‘bout their kids getting sick

but the rest of us will worry  ‘bout paying for it

and CERN created thousands of mini big bangs

by crashing sub-atomic particles together

but no one blacked out after all

I think flashforward lied to me

The Vatican got mad

That the new york times got mad

About the vatican’s cover-up job

They say they’re still men of God

and happy birthday

to nancy Pelosi

she turned 70

her face turned 6

Unemployed Conan on Twitter - News in Song

March 7th - March 18th, 2010

A poker tournament in Germany

Got robbed on live tv

And Kathryn bigelow beat her former jigelow

for oscar gold

As hurt locker beat out avatar

Unemployed Conan went on Twitter

Got a half-million followers overnight

Friended one person completely at random

And changed Sarah Killen’s 19-year old life

Sean Penn said that American journalists should go to jail

For calling Hugo Chavez a dictator

There’s so much wrong with that statement

That I refuse to get into it

And don’t tell a woman to shut up in the movie theater

‘cause you might just stabbed in the neck by her boyfriend with a meat thermometer

And lawmaker Felix Ortiz

Wants to ban salt in restaurants in new york

God save us all

Chat Roulette - News in Song

February 26th - March 6th, 2010

Capo 2

C, G, D/F#

Em (bridge)

3-year old Cody cried over Justin Bieber

so she went on Kimmel and finally got to meet him

which proves if you cry real hard, you’ll get what you want

As long as you’re adorable

cities across the country started making a lot of money

on automatic red-light cameras

so they started rolling back the yellow light times

all in the name of safety??

in a mall in dubai, an aquarium cracked

the sharks got free, swam straight to the gap

in seaworld shamu 2 pulled a Siegfried and roy

and made her trainer disappear

what are the fish trying to tell us, I mean mammals

And chatroulette.com went viral

Exposing the world to a bunch of exposers

Dick Cheney Survives His 5th Heart Attack - News in Song

February 15th - Feburary 25th, 2010

Capo 6

Fmaj7, C

a man flew a plane into a building

the IRS in Austin, texas

wrote a letter against the system

he proved his point

The point’s he’s crazy

tiger said I’m sorry tiger said I’m Buddhist

if he’d allowed some questions

I’m sure that’s all we wanted to know

ron paul won the republican straw poll

for who you’d vote as president today

if only he would say

bombs are ok

he’d be there to stay

harry reid said that men are abusive

when they stay at home with nothing to do

so we’ve got to pay billions

to give ‘em fake jobs so they won’t beat their wives

He is actually the democractic majority leader.

Of our congress, oh God help us

And dick cheney survived his 1, 2, 3, 4, 5^th heart attack.

Either God’s trying real hard to kill him, or God’s who he is.

We Are the World - News in Song

Feburary 10th - February 14th, 2010

G, D/F#, Em, C

3 out of 4 pillars ended on fire

vancouver’s attempt at a dazzling array

the Beijing opening was hard to follow

as they say in vancouver, it’s good enough, aye?

A terrible day for the country of Georgia

Whose Olympic hopes died while riding the luge

I guess when going 150 miles an hour on ice

The odds of bad things happening are huge

Alec Baldwin got rushed to the hospital

Because his daughter said he wanted to die

Slam dunk contest was sloppy and lazy

I’ve seen better dunks by white boys at the Y

And we are the world sang songs for Haiti

And by “we” I mean the top 1% of Hollywood billionaire musicians

Saints Win the SuperBowl - News in Song

February 1st - February 9th, 2010

F#m, A

Super bowl went on in Miami

A record hundred six and a half million tuned in.

The most watched commercials ever

And those who paid attention to the game, you saw the saints go marching in.

It came out that Katie Couric

gets paid a whole lot more than her staff.

But you’d get that much too

if you had calfs like that

DC gets covered in Christmas

30 plus inches of snow

it’s pure white entrapment

it’s hell freezing over

Toyota falls from the top to the bottom

After brakes went out on their hybrid star Prius

You drive one, you might end up dead

but now’s your best chance to get a car of eco-bliss

USC recruited a 13-year old quarterback.

Could it be their coaches are high on powder they call crack

Hoping his domination of 95-pound kids

will translate to the bigs

and Mel Gibson called a reporter an a-hole

For asking the question we all want to know

Do you think people still hate you for hating some people?

State of the State - News in Song

January 24th - January 31st, 2010

Em, G, D/F#

obama gave the state of the state

and the truth is it ain’t all that great

so the optimistic rhetoric

isn’t quite what I’d expect

but most importantly, what’s the deal with miss pelosi’s

lips, is she eating them?

Brett favre threw a questionable throw

That sent the saints off to the superbowl

The fantasy giants of manning and brees

Will fight ‘til the other one’s down on his knees

Roger federer went to australia

sent andy murray crying like a baby kanga

As roger broke the record books further

16 majors and counting and counting

Apple released the ipad

What does it do? What is it for?

It’s an e-book reader for people who don’t read

It’s like a laptop but only without the lap you see

But who really cares, it’s shiny and cool.

And more than enough to make the fan babies drool.

leno went on oprah had a heart to heart

spoke his mind and made me forced to like him

But I need someone to hate

‘cause I need an enemy

or I’d have to admit that Americans don’t find brilliance that funny

In Scott We Trust - News in Song

January 15th - January 23rd, 2010


Scott brown defeated a woman who sends people to jail over hearsay.
Big whooping deal.
its not like Lieberman counted anyway
when they still had 60
they werent doing anything

I heard Ricky gervais was freakin hysterical
I wish I could have understood a word that he said
and Meryl streep won a golden globe
For playing a woman that kind of looks like shes dead

Haiti showed us what true charity really means.
Not because that I have to.
But, because I believe in the need.

Supreme court said
We were free to speak
Campaign finance reform
now an antique

And John Edwards once again
reminded us hes the most evil man in the world.

Team Coco: News in Song

January 8th - January 14th, 2010.

Capo 4

Em, G, C, D/F#

I’ve gone loco for team coco

But jay leno

Is getting in the way yo

Wants back the tonight show

But that ain’t how it works bro

It’s wait and see what the blowholes

Decide the bottom line pros

a bachelorette was kicked off after hooking up with a staffer

why do you punish love?

Why do you punish love?

Everyone mad

Everyone sad

I wonder when they’ll realize that guy’s been hooking up with 14 other girls at the same time

Idol came back

For one more year

Before mr. simon cowell disappears

Onto the next one

Little worse than the first one

American x factor

That sounds vaguely familiar

Cameron made a new film

‘about blue beastiality

Climbing up the record books

Second to his underwater reality

Can avatar

Be the one to sink titanic

Whether or not

He’s king of the world

harry reid called obama a negro

blagoveich thinks he’s blacker than him too

what a week for the commander in chief

plus, sarah palin got a press job with fox news

The earth it shook in Haiti

Maybe 50,000 precious lives lost

if you can lend a hand

Please donate to the red cross

01.07.10

January 1st - January 7th, 2010.


Em, C, G, D

Let it snow, let it snow

God, it’s cold.

33 inches in just mere hours in Burlington, VT

Rush Limbaugh died

according to Wikipedia

but that was soon retracted

and a bit exaggerated

the Chinese tried to destroy a tower

but left it leaning

a Pisa admirer

Taylor and Taylor are over for now

say it ain’t so

Lord, say it ain’t so

we’re going to put body scanners in every airport

because showing a muslim’s naked body

is going to PREVENT terrorism?

Now the Yemenese are our enemies.

Well not all you see

but a few crazies

and two identical twins were born a decade apart

what a crazy start

to this year in song