Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Lost Lottery Numbers Win Mega Millions Jackpot

Lost Lottery Numbers Win Mega Millions Jackpot
G, G/F#, G/F, G/E

4, 8, 15, 42
somebody gonna lotto
might as well be
you tell me what's cursed
when I got my 150 dollars in my purse

4, 8, 15, 42
somebody gonna lotto
might as well be
all 41,000 of you

dear lord
that's a lot of nerds
who didn't think this through
obsessive compulsives ignoring how many
obsessive compulsives believe in the story of

4, 8, 15, 42
do you know what happens to the ones that steal the mayonnaise from the rest of you
your house gonna burn down
your girl gonna die son
the numbers are bad
why the hell can't you see that the

4, 8, 15, 42
So, which names won?
Locke, Hurley, Sawyer, Kwo

Thursday, December 2, 2010

LPGA Golf Allows Transgender Players: News in Song

C, G, D/F#, Em

How to make a ladies game more interesting
Just add some men who've lost something
Pretend you're all the same

Says that it's ok
If you weren't born that way
After all, it's just a game

You used to pee standing up
But now you wear all our makeup
Now you're one of us
With an adam's apple
And a much much longer drive

don't these gals know how bad the economy is
every open job you get a hundred applications in

do you hear?
That's the sound of the Nike tour
Calling their doctors
And calling Lorraina

I think Tiger's found his loophole
'cause his 15th club keeps getting into trouble
cut it off
both problems solved
and you'll beat everyone again
just not men

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Gate Raped by the TSA: News in Song

Capo 5
Dm, C, G

that girl in front of you
she could be packing
not for a vaca
but an assassin
not going to Cleveland
with hello kitty
she's a secret weapon in al queda's secret army

Don't need a girlfriend
I need a patdown
And naked pictures of me
To send around town
It's for my good, yeah
Well, oh my goodness
Glad we're so much safer now you're staring at my skivs

I was gate-raped
By the tsa
I wanna citizens arrest
For your PDA

You getting kind of close
For a first date
Yeah I wanna be safe
Don't see how this helping it
Bombs in my fake limbs?
Plastic explosives?
Who do I look like?
Osama Olsen

I don't wanna die
I just want a fast ride
Rather take all my chances
Than give up all my rights

Monday, November 15, 2010

Republicans Take Back the House: News in Song

Am, Em, G

Who took the house?
The republicans
Who took the house?
The republicans
Who took the house?
The republicans
Just try getting things done with us now

I know what you’re thinking
You’re the party of no
But someone’s gotta say it
‘cause we’re running out of dough

60 in the house
6 in the senate
we want change
in 2 years, we’ll tell you if we meant it

Am, Em, G, D/F#

it’s a landslide
to the right side
elephant pride
but watch your backside

‘cause you’ve got 2 years to fix all of my problems
or else you’re out

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Christine O'Donnell First Amendment Forgetfulness: News in Song

Capo 2
C, G, D/F#

I'm like you
I've never read the constitution
I'm like you
I'm confused by evolution

I'm like you
Taxes are bad
But sometimes I like the things they go to

I'm like you
A Christian well I'm kind of Christian
I'm like you
War is bad but bomb the villains

I'm like you
I watch fox news
That's all the news I choose to believe in

I'm like you
I try to cheat on all my taxes
I'm like you
I look real good in business slacks

And I'm like you
I think big government is bad
Unless it helps my home state in a big sort of way

So I'll go to Washington
And it'll be just like if you were there
Won't know a thing that's going on
Won't read a single bill or care

But I'll yell
Lower taxes
And I'll cry
more freedom
and repeat one-liners
but not know what they mean

I'm like you
I'm just like you
And neither one of us have got a clue

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chile Miner Rescue: News in Song

Capo 1

G, Em, C, G
Scientists and minds from dozens of countries
All came together
Was a beautiful picture
It was a beautiful picture

Mind-share, drill scare
Love affair, soot hair
Dark lair, lord’s prayer
all scared, we got there
yes, we got there

half a mile underground
in Copiapo Chile
estamos bien en el refugio,
los 33’o
how can it be, oh

G, Em, D
33 miners in a hole
Chile hello
C’mon let’s go
70 and 69
days trapped in a mine
yes we’re doing fine

about to come out
but the question remains
who do I hug first
my wife or my lover
or should I introduce them to each other?

C, G, Em, D/F#
See the sunshine
Kiss your wife then
Kiss the sky and
Maybe your girlfriend

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Segway CEO Jimi Heselden Dies on Segway: News in Song

Em, C, G, D/F#

Speaking of segways
Here’s a segue
Into a story
About a segway king
That rode it off into the deep sunset

Off a cliff
Into a river
Life a joke
And death the giver
And on two wheels
Jimi Heselden drove away

It’s not funny
But it’s ironic in a really funny way
Looking back, it will be funny
In a tragic Shakespeare play

Plus, it gets better, ‘cause he’s not only
the CEO of segways but of a company
that makes protective barriers
which did not protect him from driving his segway